What Was Right About The Book Was Wrong

What was right about the book was wrong. In fact, everything was wrong. The Ambassador flipped through the book, expecting, as most people would expect when flipping through a book, to see words, pictures — anything that indicated he was flipping through a book. But he saw nothing. Not even… 

“There are no blank pages in this thing!” the Ambassador said.  His voice reverberate with contempt. Contempt and disgust. Contempt and disgust and hatred. Contempt… “You can stop that now,” the Ambassador said, patting my shoulder. “We can still here your thoughts.” 

“Oh.”

“Well of course there are no blank pages in a book,” Macie said, snatching the book. “It’s got words on each page.” She began flipping through the book. “There are no blank pages in this book. There are no words in this book.” 

“Exactly my point,” the Ambassador said. 

“Well of course there are no blank pages in a book,” Chevron said, snatching the book. “It’s got words on each page.” He began flipping through the book. “There are no blank pages in this book. There are no words in this book.”

“Exactly my point,” Macie said. 

“Well of course there are no blank pages in a book,” I said, snatching the book. “It’s got words on each page.” I began flipping through the book. “There are no blank pages in this book. There are no words in this book.”

“Exactly my point,” Chevron said. 

“Well of course there are no blank pages in a book,” the Leader of the Dwellers said, snatching the book. “It’s got words on each page.” He began flipping through the book. “There are no blank pages in this book. There are no words in this book.”

“Don’t you see?” the Ambassador said. “There is trouble afoot.” 

“No words in this book,” the Leader of the Dwellers said. “No blank pages in this book. The end is near!” He looked at the shattered box. “Even the glass has shattered. I liked that glass. It was where I kept my coffee.” he said. “The end is near!”  

“We tried to escape you in that fun house," Chevron said. "It broke."

“That’s no fun house! Just an intricately designed coffee table. Anyways, this mystical book of all great books -- the Book of the Dwells is missing its words — not only that, it’s missing its pages, too. Find the pages and the words — not in any particular order, though you will need to order it right to combine them — and we won’t charge you for the life insurance.” 

“But we are looking for pepper,” the Ambassador said. 

“Yeah, sure. Find that, too. Whatever.”

“And trying to fix whatever it is is wrong with Titanium Levitation and our chickens,” Macie said and held up a chicken. 

“Okay. Yeah, sure. Do that, too." the Leader of the Dwellers said. "Find the Book of the Dwells pages and words and whatever else and bring it back in time before the end comes." 

"Sure. Okay. Whatever," the Ambassador said. 

“Wait, did you say life insurance?” I asked.

And we were hit, each of us, with spoon-spears of life insurance.